“I’m sorry, but there is no heartbeat.” Seven words that have stopped so many in their tracks and brought their world crashing down around them. No one ever anticipates the sudden loss of a pregnancy or the death of a loved child. From the very first moment we find out that there’s a baby coming, we have plans, dreams and hopes for that child and for our new family. The shock, sadness and grief that accompany this deep loss can take an untold amount of time to process. What makes it more challenging in our world is that there is so much discomfort and stigma around the death of a fetus or infant. Naturally, it’s very difficult. Death and dying at any stage, let alone a wee one, are still taboo in so many circles in our society. So, what ‘do’ you say? It turns out, the same as following any other death: the less, the better. There truly are no words in any language anyway… If any words come, let them sound like: “I’m so very sorry.” “Your sweet (child’s name) was so loved.” “I'm here to listen.” Your love and support can and should look more like action than words. Bring nourishing foods by their home (don’t ask, just drop it off). In the first days of deep shock, soups and smoothies are better as the digestive system will be quite inactive. Take laundry out and bring it back clean and folded. Go pick up groceries. ay a bill for them. Sweep the floor. Let them talk. Speak their little one’s name aloud. Give space for tears and anger. Finding healthy outlets and spaces to process grief and loss as the calendar continues to go by are important in healing and moving forward. (Not moving on, but moving…). There are more and more mental health professionals that are available to help process grief and trauma, as well as support groups and personal bereavement doulas. For some, doing body or breath work or spending time in nature can help. Finding a village that can be “real” with you through the rollercoaster of loss; those who will not forget, those who will look at the pictures and bear witness to your story over and over again. Ask for them. Look for them. Tell us you need us. We’re here. Ask anyone who has lost a child at any stage: “how do you go on?” Simply put: You don’t. At least, not the same version of you goes on. At no point will you “get over it”. That’s not how love or grief works. After a time you might come to know them as the very same, because they are. You grieve deeply because you love deeply. *If you are experiencing the loneliness and pain of a loss, or if you know someone who is and you’d like to chat, please reach out. I’m happy to provide resources and also host a monthly Circle of Care on the last Monday of each month in and around the Edmonton area. Dyvonna Inkster, Loss and Bereavement Doula, SBD * 780-901-6089 * [email protected]. www.fullcirclebirthcollective.com
0 Comments
|
Welcome to Full Circle's blog, creating content for our clients and readers with a focus on all things pregnancy, birth and beyond.
Categories
All
Archives
September 2024
|