Adulting. Ugh. I love that this is now a thing. There are various definitions of “adulting” ranging from having a job or paying bills to making life changing decisions and caring for little humans. I feel that in my 20 years of being in the “legal age” bracket, I can honestly say that I've never really felt the harrows of adulting until this past year... making major changes that effect more than my singular, seemingly insignificant self. I'm not saying that having children is what truly makes you an adult, I'm just saying that for me, life was life and I never really did much to change things. Stuff happened and I rolled with it. That was me. That was it. But these days, there is decision making left and right and up and down! Sugar or sweetener, dayhome or daycare or why am I even working, cereal or toast, shower or dry shampoo (again), 21-day Fix or all of the chocolate, roman blinds or curtains, quit my job or apply for a new one, vasectomy or birth control, go to bed at a reasonable hour or Netflix it up when the kids go to bed? The struggle is real. Some choices, ya know, not so difficult. But some are really ones that I never in my wildest dreams thought would be things I would be thinking about. But I do. Daily. Adulting. Ugh.
And now that I'm this "adult", I have to actually deal with change. What's best for me? What's best for them? I have to help my children deal with change. Transitions. Bite me. After moving in September, the dust is finally starting to settle. There is a semblance of order to our lives. There are nights of almost complete sleep. Almost. Yeah, I'm exaggerating. They aren't very close to almost yet... but the rest of it is there. Routine and consistency and not-McDonald's every second night. This is my definition of success. Everyone tells me that the sleep will come and holy hell am I ever betting on that. With all of this responsibility for change and dealing with the fallout, I am very glad that I am an adult... so I can buy and drink all the wine.
There are moments when the thoughts creep in. “I remember when...” and “Wouldn't it be great if...” and “I really miss...” We had our favourite restaurants that we went to whenever, we bought all the things we wanted, we went to see every movie and every band that came to town and I never ever cared if a show was on a weekday. I went to the gym! I actually cooked without a crockpot! I wore make up and owned more than one real bra! But I didn't have impromptu dance parties before dinner. I didn't get to watch anyone learn to read or write or see them make friends. I didn't get snotty face prints on my pants because someone loved me so much that they needed to hug me so hard one more time before I went to work. These are the things that make adulting much less daunting. If this is where I get to adult, I can deal with that. As far as choices go, I choose here. I choose now.