The Unspoken, pregnancy and infant loss

“I’m sorry, but there is no heartbeat.”  

Seven words that have stopped so many in their tracks and brought their  world crashing down around them.  
No one ever anticipates the sudden loss of a pregnancy or the death of a loved  child. From the very first moment we find out that there’s a baby coming, we have plans, dreams and hopes for that child and for our new family.
The shock,  sadness and grief that accompany this deep loss can take an untold amount of  time to process.  
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What makes it more challenging in our world is that there is so much discomfort  and stigma around the death of a fetus or infant. Naturally, it’s very difficult. Death  and dying at any stage, let alone a wee one, are still taboo in so many circles in  our society. So, what ‘do’ you say? It turns out, the same as following any other  death: the less, the better.
​There truly are no words in any language anyway…​

If any words come, let them sound like: “I’m so very sorry.” “Your sweet (child’s  name) was so loved.” “I'm here to listen.”  
Your love and support can and should look more like action than words.
Bring nourishing foods by their home (don’t ask, just drop it off). In the first days of  deep shock, soups and smoothies are better as the digestive system will be quite  inactive.
Take laundry out and bring it back clean and folded.
Go pick up groceries.
ay a bill for them.
Sweep the floor.
​Let them talk. Speak their little one’s name aloud.
Give space for tears and anger. 
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Finding healthy outlets and spaces to process grief and loss as the calendar  continues to go by are important in healing and moving forward. (Not moving on, but moving…). There are more and more mental health professionals that are  available to help process grief and trauma, as well as support groups and  personal bereavement doulas. For some, doing body or breath work or spending  time in nature can help. Finding a village that can be “real” with you through the  rollercoaster of loss; those who will not forget, those who will look at the pictures  and bear witness to your story over and over again. Ask for them. Look for them.  Tell us you need us. We’re here.  

​Ask anyone who has lost a child at any stage: “how do you go on?”  Simply put: You don’t.  

At least, not the same version of you goes on. At no point will you “get over it”.  That’s not how love or grief works.
After a time you might come to know them as  the very same, because they are.  
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You grieve deeply because you love deeply.  ​

​*If you are experiencing the loneliness and pain of a loss, or if you know someone who is and you’d like to chat, please reach out. I’m happy to provide resources  and also host a monthly Circle of Care on the last Monday of each month in and  around the Edmonton area. 
Dyvonna Inkster,
Loss and Bereavement Doula, SBD
​ * 780-901-6089
*  [email protected].
www.fullcirclebirthcollective.com